Stupid Christmas Carols - The twelve days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
12 Drummers Drumming
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

This seems to be an old English traditional carol and as such I couldn't find any author information.
     We've all heard this song, and for the sake of space I decided to just do the twelfth day, as it encompasses everything from the previous days and saves quite a bit of space, and saves time too. Without further ado, lets start with the concept of this song. A group of individuals is celebrating the twelve days of Christmas, and on every day they give something better than they gave on the day previous, which is what you are suppose to do so there is nothing wrong with that, but lets take a moment and look at the gifts, we'll start from the 'worst' and work our way up to the 'best'.
     Day One: A partridge in a pear tree, a partridge is a smallish bird, about a foot long, weighing up to three quarters of a pound, looks similar to a quail. Now, why would you give somebody a pear tree with a game bird in it? giving a pear tree during Christmas time is silly enough, as you can't really plant it outside because the ground will probably be frozen, and it has to be a largish tree for the partridge to be perched in it without breaking the branch it is sitting on.
     Day Two: two turtle doves, these are similar to partridges close in size, weight and looks, maybe they were intended as spares for if the partridge died, or you could probably cook a decent turtle dove pot pie with two birds, I'd imagine it probably taste a lot like chicken.
     Day Three: three French hens, are you noticing a pattern yet, every day they give one quantity of the item than the did the day previous, and birds seem to be rather prevalent so far, maybe the gift giver owned an aviary?
     Day Four: four calling birds, alright already, we have enough birds, cut it out, does this guy realize that he has now given ten birds to this poor lady, what is she suppose to do with all these birds, unless she indeed cooks them up, ten bird cages will need to be bought, bird feed for the ten birds, rather than making her life easier with the gifts he has added quite a bit more work to her plate.
     Day Five: five golden rings, now correct me if I'm wrong but don't most people have four fingers and a thumb on each hand, this would mean a total of eight fingers and two thumbs, how do you evenly divide five rings amongst eight fingers? Of course there is the chance she may have already had one ring, which would then put her at six rings which can easily be divided between the two hands without looking silly for having different amounts of gold on her hands.
     Day Six: six geese a laying, really, I had just started to think we were finally moving away from birds, that puts the bird count at sixteen now, these geese are laying though, so fresh eggs for breakfast every day I suppose, she's getting something out of this gift finally, a little something to offset the time and money put into the care and upkeep of the geese.
     Day Seven: seven swans a swimming, WHAT? twenty-three birds now, this lady is going to need her own aviary to keep all these birds. Enough with the birds please, that's a lot of cleaning up, feeding, and watering, to be doing every day. I suppose birds are smart enough to drink the water you put out for them, so it's not as intense as it could be, but still that's a lot of work all because somebody decided they wanted to give you Christmas gifts.
     Day Eight: eight maids a milking, I have to assume this means there was also the animal the maids were milking, which would probably be cows or goats, though technically you could milk any mammal as they all feed their young milk, not looking at the milking portion though how is this guy giving away people, human trafficking is illegal and a horrible thing. I suppose she doesn't have to accept the gift of the slaves but if she does they are both trafficking people and should be locked away into a deep dark dungeon where they will be forgotten about.
     Day Nine: nine ladies dancing, Seriously, more human trafficking? or am I interpreting this wrong, did the dude hire these ladies to put on a dance show, I feel like there should be some name for that, for his lover? that would make it far less horrible and icky. Perchance these nine ladies are part of a dance troupe and you can hire them to put on dances for people, lets go with that, as it is far less evil sounding.
    Day Ten: ten lords a leaping, okay seriously what? what in the world would you be doing sending ten dudes to jump around at your girlfriends house, that doesn't even make sense, unless this is some silly way of showing you have a boatload of money that you can afford to pay dignified people enough money that they will make fools of themselves on your front lawn, but I feel like if you wanted to impress a lover with your massive wealth that you could just show them your bank books.
     Day Eleven: eleven piper piping, I wonder if you can perform the Christmas Sarajevo on pipes? that would be impressive, though I don't know if just eleven players could possible do such an epic arrangement justice.
     Day Twelve: 12 drummers drumming, seriously, this is the best he could do, did he just run out of money after all the other stupid gifts he sent that he was reduced to hiring the highschool marching squad to have them go and perform on this ladies lawn, talk about a big letdown.

     So there you are, twelve gifts, and most of them I wouldn't want, honestly I think the five golden rings and the geese would be about all I'd want, sell the gold off, raise some money on it, and well fresh eggs are nice, not that I've ever had goose eggs, but I can't imagine they are all that different from chicken eggs, and the geese can always be slaughtered and eaten as well when they stop laying eggs.
     Well that wraps up this Christmas Carol, finally. Somebody had to do it, I'm glad it's finally done.

Thanks for this entertaining read! You're funny!

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