Stupid Christmas Carols - Father Christmas

     When I heard this song I knew I had to do a blog post on it, and let me be clear, I've only heard this song once in my entire life, so I assume it's not a very popular Christmas song, which might be for very obvious reasons, lets get down to business and crack this thing open.


When I was small I believed in Santa Claus
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas
Open my presents and I'd be glad
But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor
They said
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Don't give my brother a Steve Austin outfit
Don't give my sister a cuddly toy
We don't want a jigsaw or monopoly money
We only want the real mccoy
Father Christmas, give us some money
We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys
But give my daddy a job 'cause he needs one
He's got lots of mouths to feed
But if you've got one I'll have a machine gun
So I can scare all the kids on the street
Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin'
While you're drinkin' down your wine
Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
Father Christmas, please hand it over
We'll beat you up so don't make us annoyed
Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Copyright Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
 
     I'm going to assume that most of my readers have never heard of this song, so it might not really be a good song to cover in this series, but I just couldn't help myself when I heard it on the radio. I didn't actually hear the entire thing, just the part about the kids beating up Father Christmas. At the time I thought that Father Christmas/Santa was out delivering toys, and was the 'real' one, and I wondered to myself how he would possibly have any money seeing as how he uses slave labor to make toys at the North pole year round and then distributes them on December 25th. Reading the lyrics I realize that isn't the case, so the entire argument I had thought of is junked, but I bet I can still make something out of this song.
     For starters if the singer knew their dad was Santa why did they believe in him, that really doesn't make sense. It's like saying I believe the earth is flat even though I know it's a sphere. (Trying to see if I can attract the flat earth crowd with that analogy.) Maybe it's just the young mind not thoroughly thinking something through to the logical conclusion. I'm not going to worry about that too much though, the song just gets so much better after that.
     So Jim, I'm going to call the guy playing Father Christmas Jim, is a Santa for hire kinda guy, you know the type, they sit at malls so you can get pictures with them, or they'll ring bells at the red kettles. None of that really matters, other than to give a little background and to point out that this is not the REAL Santa we're dealing with here. So one day Jim was minding his own business, trying to drum up business for this department store when he was mugged by a gang of kids. Is it just me or does anybody else find it weird that he had reindeer, I don' think I've ever seen a live Santa with reindeer, fake or live, of course maybe I just haven't go to the big stores in the big cities. Either way, these punk kids assault Jim and demand money. Did they think this was the REAL Santa, I'm assuming so, and if that is the case where do they think he gets money from? Toys are mass produced by his army of overwork and underfed elf slaves that labor incessantly around the clock at the North pole living on a diet of stale white bread and water. Unless Santa were to sell toys to make money he wouldn't have any money to give to these kids. His elves could print money, but it would be counterfeit and illegal to own or use. Maybe these kids didn't think that through, seeing as how they are the type to assault a guy in a Santa costume outside of a department store. Most stores have security cameras, and their assault is probably all on film, not exactly the brightest kids, but I guess that shouldn't be surprising seeing what they do next.
     These kids ask for demand money, threatening to beat poor Jim up if he doesn't fork it over, but then go on to say he can give toys to the rich kids, but not to give their siblings gifts?!?!?! What is wrong with these kids, and what were their parents thinking when they raised them like this. It's okay for Santa to give rich kids toys, but not okay to give toys to these kids siblings? It doesn't even make sense, but hey, gangs usually don't think things through that great, and very often have very flawed logic.
     The rest of the song is just the kids repeating their demands, but there are a handful of juicy nuggets that I have to touch on. So the second round of demands they ask Santa to give their dad a job because he has lots of mouths to feed, keep in mind they just finished telling Santa not to give their siblings presents. Why would they want their dad to be able to have a job to provide for his family, when they don't want their siblings to get toys? Does this make sense to anybody, and I just overthinking it? Of course the next thing to come out of their mouth is a request for a machine gun so they can scare all the kids on the street. I wonder if they wanted to tax stamp as well, as it is illegal to own a machine gun without one of those, also I don't think you need to worry about scaring kids on the street too much, as soon as the police find out they'll be sending out the swat team to bring this/these kid/s in.
     In the third round of demands they tell Santa to have  merry Christmas and a good time, but to remember the kids who got nothin' IE their siblings that they told him not to give anything too. Why should Santa remember them, when the only reason they didn't get anything is because these kids told him not to give those kids anything. Technically Santa does give everybody something, it's just that the bad kids get coal, but technically coal is still a gift. Actually very technically Santa doesn't exist and doesn't give anybody anything, but in the spirit of Santa he gives everybody something.
     All throughout the song they tell Santa they don't want toys, but rather money, while telling him to give toys to rich kids. Wouldn't it make more sense to tell Santa to give you all the toys, and then you can sell them to the rich kids, they obviously have money, and good money at that, and Santa obviously has the toys. Now yes, selling toys requires some effort, and having money handed to you doesn't, but lets be real here, nothing good in life comes for free.

     To summarize, I've only heard this song once, you've probably never heard it, it's not very popular, doesn't make a whole lot of sense, didn't really seem to be very catchy when I heard it, and the message is garbage, and not really something you'd probably want your kids singing anyway.

Add new comment