Stupid Christmas Carols - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
you know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight

Then how all the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nose Reindeer
You'll go down in history
 

     Oh Goodies, another song that starts off assuming that I know things, I love these songs. Let me see, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen are all reindeer, and clearly not the most famous, and I'm suppose know those, so why, WHY wouldn't I know the most famous??? Who would know the nobodies if they didn't know the somebodies, that is just plain silly. Also did the person that wrote this song not know about commas, they used an awful lot of ands in those first two lines where they could have just been using commas, English people, it's not that hard.

     So we have this most famous of all reindeer, and he has a shiny nose, but we're all so stupid that we'd think it shines. Excuse me one moment, let me pull out my trusty dictionary.
Shine: (of a smooth surface) reflecting light, typically because very clean or polished.
Glow: give out steady light without flame.
Yikes! so things that shine, reflect light, such as a mirror or jewelry, and things that glow actually emit light, so if I've got this right, a nose that shines will be dark if it is dark out, but a nose that glows would be light in the dark, so help me out here, why am I suppose to think that a highly reflective nose is glowing? Again, basic English, use a dictionary before you start spewing lies in music.
     So the other reindeer made fun of Rudolph, oh my, that is tragic, who wrote this song, some liberal SJW, so what, let the reindeer make fun of each other, who cares, and what is so bad about that. I guess reindeer, like people, make fun of reindeer/people that aren't like them. So what, it's been going on for a long time, and we haven't all killed each other yet, why start thinking that suddenly its such a big deal. I need to stop before I get on a lengthy tangent that doesn't relate directly to this stupid song or to Christmas.
     Ha, Santa is a stupid as I thought, he found Rudolph with his reflective nose and wanted him to guide his sleigh, other than being able to see where Rudolph is when he shines a light over his reindeer that nose isn't going to do any good. Reflective surfaces bounce light off of them in the opposite direction in which it hit, so the light Santa shines at Rudolph will bounce back to him, not forward.
     I knew it, I knew it, the reindeer aren't actually reindeer at all, they are sheep. So the sheep start off hating Rudolph because of his nose, which makes sense by the way, any hunter would spot that shiny glint in the distance, where a none shiny nose will more easily go unnoticed. Santa makes a bad decision and suddenly all the sheep love Rudolph. Not only are they sheep, but they are so stupid sheep that they aren't even jealous that the social outcast gets elevated above them. Seriously, what alternate reality was this song writer living in, was he strung out on LSD or something?

     Let me be real for a few minutes. I know something of racing dogs, not that I've ever done it, but I've read about it, and listened to some stories about it. White Fang comes to mind. When an individual has a dog sled team and they select a head dog, they pick the fastest healthiest dog, and then proceed to set it apart from the rest of the dogs. For a dog team to work well the lead dog NEEDS TO BE HATED by the rest of the pack. The owner helps this process along by pretending to favor the lead dog, feeding him extra, giving him better bedding, etc etc. The reason for this is simple. When the dogs are out racing, or just towing the sleigh/sled the dog in the lead needs to be running for his life, and the dogs behind him need to be running to try and catch, and slaughter the lead dog, because they have such a passionate hate for him/her. Assuming of course that dogs get jealous and can have hate.
    So Santa, a few words for me, and I know you read my blog because you left a comment in the past, get rid of that stupid Rudolph and find yourself a strong majestic animal, that the rest of your team will hate, foster that hate, let the hate flow through you, perchance you should take some classes from Darth Vader or that other dude, Emperor Palatine, I bet the both of those could give you some really good advice. Hate is a powerful force, just as love is, now I know what you might be thinking, "oh, well why is all the reindeer loving Rudolph such an issue?" Why is Rudolph running, he needs to fear for his life, that is what keeps the lead animal motivated, if the other animals love it, why exert energy, just have a big party, and move at a leisurely pace. Santa ain't got time for that, he has an entire wold of people to deliver gifts to in twenty four, one second slots. Once second for each time zone, with an hour to travel from one to the next.

     So there you go, a great start to the twelve stupid Christmas carols of Christmas, expect eleven more between now and Christmas. If you want to waste some more time and read more of these fun blog posts just look under the fail category in my blog.

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