Stupid Christmas Carols - Winter Wonderland

Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening
In the lane
Snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland

Gone away, is the blue bird
Here to stay, is the new bird
He sings a love song,
As we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say are you married
We'll say No Man
But you can do the job
When you're in town

Later on
We'll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans that we've made
Walking in a winter wonderland

Sleigh bells ringing
Are you listening
In the lane
Snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland

Gone away, is the blue bird
Here to stay, is the new bird
He sings a love a song
As we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman
Until the other kiddies knock them down

When it snows
ain't it thrilling
Though your nose, gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way
Walking in a winter wonderland
Walking in a winter wonderland

Written by Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith

     So where to start, I suppose at the beginning, that's usually where starting makes the most sense. This song is showing its age with sleigh bells, you don't find too many sleighs going around in cities these days, not sure if they exist in the country either, but I don't live in the country, if I did I probably wouldn't have the time to write these scathing posts about stupid Christmas carols. :D
     We don't always have snow for Christmas, but I'll glaze over that, as some years there is snow, and everybody always wants snow for Christmas.
     I don't understand why the blue bird is gone away, Blue Jays are song birds that stay around year round, you might not see them so much, but they don't migrate, and really wish you'd put out some bird seed for them. ;) I'd also like to know what this new bird is, especially as he sings a love song. Is any birds singing more romantic than another birds singing, amongst song birds of course?
     Things start getting freaky in the meadow, build a snowman that comes to life, rather than FREAKING OUT and running away you'll talk to the snowman, make him a Parson and then have him marry you. Honestly if I ever came across a living snowman the last thing I would be doing is thinking about making him a parson so it could marry me and my lover, I'd be trying to get away as fast as possible, or destroying the snowman. Snowmen should remain inanimate.
     After hanging out with a living snowman, retreating back to the house to conspire sounds even worse than it did before. What is being conspired about? Let me define conspire real quick, just so you realize why this is so odd. Conspire: make secret plans jointly to commit an unlawful or harmful act. So after talking to a zombie snowman plans are being made for some dangerous illegal action, remind me again what this has to deal with Christmas. As if just conspiring wasn't bad enough these plans require being unafraid as they are carried out, which leads me to believe that they are even worse than we may have first thought.
     The chorus plays again, and we find another snowman coming to life, this time a circus clown, time for our coulrophobia(fear of clowns) to kick in, could this be what was being conspired about in the previous verse, making a monster clown snowman to wrek havoc on all the peaceful law abiding citizens of the surrounding areas so their gifts can all be stolen? They're having fun with the snowman, I can only imagine what fun looks like for this conspiring duo; theft, car-jacking, terrorizing little kids, why is this a Christmas song???
     I have to hand it to the local kiddies though, it takes some real gut to stand up to a monster snowman clown and knock it to pieces, those kids really deserve a medal.

     So to wrap things up, the real meaning of Christmas is snow, which we don't always have, but I'll overlook, snowmen come to life and plan all sorts of devious plans to terrorize the world with other giant snow clowns. Kids are our ultimate salvation though as they manage to band together and defeat the evil snowclowns.
     This Christmas give your kid, or a kid you know, a gift, you never know whey they might be needed to defeat a giant snowclown that wants to kill you.

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